Instructions on giving your cat a
pill
1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the
crook of your left arm as if holding a
baby. Position right forefinger and
thumb on either side of cat's mouth and
gently apply pressure to cheeks while
holding pill in right hand. As cat opens
mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to
close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from
behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and
repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw
soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle
cat in left arm holding rear paws
tightly with left hand. Force jaws open
and push pill to back of mouth with
right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a
count of 10.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and
cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse
from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly
between knees, holding front and rear
paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat.
Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly
with one hand while forcing wooden ruler
into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub
cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get
another pill from foil wrap. Make note
to buy new ruler and repair curtains.
Carefully sweep shattered figurines from
hearth and set to one side for gluing
later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get
spouse to lie on cat with its head just
visible from below spouse's armpit. Put
pill in end of drinking straw, force
cat's mouth open with pencil and blow
down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not
harmful to humans, drink glass of water
to take taste away. Apply band-aid to
spouse's forearm and remove blood from
carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed.
Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard
and close door onto neck to leave head
showing. Force mouth open with dessert
spoon. Flick pill down throat with
elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and
put door back on hinges. Appy cold
compress to cheek and check records for
date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt
away and fetch new one from
bedroom.
12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat
from tree across the road. Apologize to
neighbor who crashed into fence while
swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill
from foil wrap.
13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws
with garden twine and bind tightly to
leg of dining table. Find heavy duty
pruning gloves from shed. Force cat's
mouth open with small spanner. Push pill
into mouth followed by large piece of
fillet steak. Hold head vertically and
pour 1/2 pint of water down throat to
wash pill down.
14. Get spouse to drive you to emergency
room; sit quietly while doctor stitches
fingers and forearm and removes pill
remnants from right eye. Stop by
furniture shop on way home to order new
table.
15. Arrange for vet to make a
housecall.
