ARE ALL QUOTES
11 YEAR OLD'S SCIENCE
1. "Water is composed of two gins,
Oxygin and Hydrogin.
Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."
2. "When you breathe, you inspire.
When you do not breathe, you expire."
3. "H20 is hot water, and CO2 is cold water." 4. "To collect fumes of sulphur, hold down a deacon over a flame in a test tube"
5. "When you smell an odourless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide"
6. "Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state"
7. "Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars."
8. "Blood flows down one leg and up the other."
9. "Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration."
10. "The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader"
11. "Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull."
12. "Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."
13. "A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."
14."Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."
15. "The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five - a, e, i, o and u."
16."Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."
17."Planet: A body of earth surrounded by sky."
18."Rhubarb: a kind of celery gone bloodshot."
19. "Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives."
20. "Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative."
21. "To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."
22. "For a nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the body until the heart stops."
23. "For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make Artificial Perspiration."
24. "For Fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor."
25. "For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it."
26. "For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead."
27. "To prevent contraception: wear a condominium."
28. "For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat."
29. "To keep milk from turning sour: keep it in the cow."
30. "The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects."
31. "The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana."
32. "The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to."
33. "A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars,and eight cuspidors."
34. "The tides are a fight between the Earth and Moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight."
35. "A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."
36. "Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa."
37. "Germinate: To become a naturalized German."
38. "Liter: A nest of young puppies."
39. "Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."
Sixth Grade History
1.Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
2.The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. It the first book of the Bible, Guinness's, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked, "Am I my brother's son?" 3.Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the 10 commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.
4.Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
5.The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we would not have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.
6.Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.
7.Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
8.In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java.
9.Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls these people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.
10.Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out, "Tee hee, Brutus."
11.Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing the fiddle to them.
12.Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw.
13.Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense.
14.In medieval times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chacer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature.
15.Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.
16.Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted"hurrah".
17.It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.
18.The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies,comedies and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroicouplet. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.
19.Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
20.During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.
21.Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called Pilgrim's Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many died & many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.
22.One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.
23.Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two signers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing 2 cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand. "Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
24.Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.
25.Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mom died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with him own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believed the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
26.Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy. Gravity was invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn when the apples are falling off the trees.
27.Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German half Italian and half English. He was a very large.
28.Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
29.The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and catapulted into Napoleon. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't have any children.
30.The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. She was a moral woman who practiced virtue. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.
31.The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.